


Professional Boundaries

by HeadphonesOn



Category: Wolf 359 (Radio)
Genre: Attempted Seduction, Dialogue-Only, Humor, I tried with pop culture references, M/M, Seduction
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-01
Updated: 2019-05-01
Packaged: 2020-02-10 17:29:58
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,334
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18665056
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/HeadphonesOn/pseuds/HeadphonesOn
Summary: The Hephaestus crew plans to sneak aboard the Urania and Eiffel has a plan about how to distract Kepler. How good of a plan is up for debate.





	Professional Boundaries

**Author's Note:**

> I swear I will write something serious soon, but I wrote this on a whim to test out my dialogue abilities and decided to post it.  
> Set somewhere in Season 3, but not particularly canon compliant. The "Jacobi incident" mentioned is the double-Jacobi incident, but otherwise there's no real connection to the main plot.

Minkowski: “Wow. Just wow. This is a new level of low.”

Eiffel: “C’mon, Commander! It really isn’t-”

Minkowski: “No, it **really** is. You keep hitting rock bottom and then finding pickaxes, but this...you just took a power tool to the last bit of dignity and sense you had.”

Eiffel: “Okay, ouch. That’s harsh. You didn’t even hear out the specifics of my plan-”

Hilbert: “No one wants to hear specifics of plan.”

Minkowski: “I really hate to agree with Hilbert, but-”

Eiffel: “Come on! This is worth a shot! And I find your lack of faith disturbing, I just gotta say. A little below the belt.”

Minkowski: “A belt that will **stay on**. Because this plan is **not** happening.”

Eiffel: “Okay, A. No belts would be coming off, technically, ‘cause this thing has more of a tie than a belt, and 2. Has anyone thought of a better idea?”

Hera: “Literally **any other idea**?”

Eiffel: “You too, Hera? Is there anyone here on my side?”

Lovelace: “I say he goes for it.”

…

Hera: “Ex-excuse me, Captain, I think I must have heard that wrong, because it sounded l-like you just said that Officer Eiffel **should** try to seduce Colonel Kepler.”

Lovelace: “I stand by it. As crazy as it sounds, and believe me I know how crazy, I think he might have a shot.”

Minkowski: “Captain, are you feeling okay? Are you at all lightheaded?”

Lovelace: “I'm serious. Kepler is distracted, especially after the Jacobi incident, and I say we use any means necessary to keep that distraction going.”

Minkowski: “So call him in to help with a maintenance issue!”

Hera: “To be fair, Commander, he'd send Doctor Maxwell if we said the issue was anything about the sh-ship itself. He wouldn't come down here himself.”

Minkowski: “So make up an issue with Maxwell or Jacobi and have him come resolve it.”

Eiffel: “And have the wonder twins immediately call our bluff and tattle on us to Kepler?”

Minkowski: “...Fair point. Couldn't you just talk to him for a while? If there's one thing you're good at, it's wasting people's time.”

Eiffel: “I'd like to consider it offering them entertainment. And I could pull that off for a few minutes at best.”

Hera: “He's right, C-commander. A...longer distraction would be our safest bet.”

Hilbert: “You think ‘safest bet’ is Officer Eiffel.”

Lovelace: “Honestly, I do. Eiffel is the only one dumb enough that Kepler **wouldn't** automatically get suspicious if he propositioned him.”

Eiffel: “Thank you, I am offended.”

Minkowski: “So we'd be relying on Kepler believing that out of nowhere, Eiffel wants to have sex with him?”

Eiffel: “It's not that out of nowhere! Have you seen that man's arms? Damn.’

…

Eiffel: “...So I may be getting a little guilty self indulgence out of this.”

Minkowski: “I am honestly disgusted right now.”

Eiffel: “Hey, I have been floating in space with an AI playing the all-seeing eye- no offence, Hera -for **years**. At least I'm using my sex drive for the forces of good.”

Hilbert: “Can someone shut him up?”

Hera: “Kepler, possibly.”

Minkowski: “ **Hera**!”

Eiffel: “Good one, baby!”

Minkowski: “Okay, knock it off, all of you- Eiffel. Now, I want you to, in as work-appropriate terms as possible **please** , explain how you're going to make this work.”

Eiffel: “Three words: Obnoxious nerd appeal.”

Minkowski: “...What.”

Eiffel: “You know, the geek appeal, the Michael Cera appeal, whatever you want to call it! It's a time-honored trope! The annoying, ridiculous fun one who always gets the girl- guy, in this case.”

Hera: “Yeah…I-I don't think that is super applicable in real life.”

Eiffel: “Of course it's real!”

Lovelace: “Uh, not really. It's a trope written by people who wish it were real.”

Eiffel: “It happens all the time in real life! I've known people! Hilbert, back me up.”

Hilbert: “You are insufferable.”

Eiffel: “Yes, but is it a turn-on?”

Minkowski: “ **Okay** , okay! This ends now. This is a crazy idea and even with how crazy our lives are, this is a step too far.”

Lovelace: “Not really. We had a semi-sentient plant monster living in the vents that managed to wire circuits to build a lamp. I’d say that’s a little stranger than our resident moron getting laid. While I don’t think your Michael Saben-”

Eiffel: “-Cera-”

Lovelace: “-Cera appeal exists, Kepler is really big on power and control. Use that to your advantage. And there’s always hate sex.”

Minkowski: “I can’t believe this is a conversation. That I am having. About Officer Eiffel.”

Eiffel: “Hey, wouldn’t be my weirdest romp. Once, I slept with a lady in exchange for early-release tickets to Die Another Day- so not worth it. Boring and bad, and I’m not only talking about the movie-”

Hera: “Um, guys? Hilbert j-just left.”

Minkowski: “And he made the right choice. Come down to the mess hall for caffeine when you’re done disregarding professional discussion boundaries.”

Lovelace: “Professional discussion boundaries? I thought we lost those about the time I realized I’d been MIA in space for years.”

Eiffel: “Can relate!”

Hera: “Not to break up your bonding moment, but do you have a set plan?”

Lovelace: “In 48 hours, Commander Minkowski and I will wake up before schedule and get part of our daily tasks done without alerting Kepler. Do you have tomorrow’s itinerary?”

Hera: “Loaded up!”

Lovelace: “Good. We’ll get part of the work done, and then head down to the mess hall like everything’s normal. We’ll meet the SI5’s down there and check in before heading to our stations. Eiffel is going to run into Kepler during his morning check-in and do his thing-”

Eiffel: “-Take that as a pun-”

Lovelace: “-Shut up, Eiffel. Anyway, he’ll go with Kepler to the Urania, making sure to leave the connector doors open. While he distracts Kepler, Hilbert will call Maxwell and Jacobi down to the lab for a problem that requires both their skillsets-”

Eiffel: “‘Oh noh, the AI eez gooing to exvlode! I need the vobot-feexer gerl and the explozion man!”

Hera: “...W-was that meant to be Hilbert?”

Eiffel: “Yes?”

Lovelace: “Shut up, Eiffel. So while the SI5 is distracted, the commander and I sneak aboard the Urania with a coms line, we give you the lay of the land, and you help us figure out how to gain access to their coms line and then delete the camera footage after we leave. You can do that, right?”

Hera: “Um...the first part, probably. The second I’m a-a little iffy.”

Lovelace: “Is it feasible?”

Hera: “Yes.”

Lovelace: “Then it’s a chance I’m willing to take. With the amount of contact they have with Command, I’d assume they have records of all of it. I just want to get a good look at them.”

Hera: “Okay, I’m no-noticing one problem- you won’t have a good way to time this. I can manage to figure out a cas-casual way to alert Hilbert of what’s happening so he keeps Doctor Maxwell and O-Officer Jacobi occupied, but once Officer Eiffel’s on the Urania, we have no-no contact with him.”

Lovelace: “That’s why you, Eiffel, are going to keep him occupied for a **long time**.”

Eiffel: “Uh, I’m not sure I like the fate of our five-man-and-woman-band resting on my dick. Let me remind you, it’s been **years**.”

Lovelace: “Do what you can, ‘cause we only have one chance at this.”

Eiffel: “Unless he falls for my obnoxious nerd charm.”

Lovelace: “Uh...that’s not the horse I’d bet on.”

Hera: “Not to interrupt your...w-well, whatever you’re talking about, but the Commander just threatened to pour Officer Eiffel’s coffee ou-out the airlock if he didn’t come down and start his duties.”

Eiffel: “ **No**! My liquid-vaguely-presenting-as-coffee! I need you! I’m with you till the end of the line!”

Lovelace: “So this is the guy we’re relying on.”

Hera: “Relying on his sex appeal, y-yes. And you did encourage it.”

…

Lovelace: “Well. We’re fucked. It was nice knowing you, Hera.”

Hera: “Pleasure serving you, Captain.”

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading! I may write a follow-up to this (that's a maybe, though)


End file.
